Today was the last day of work. It is officially summer.
As of tomorrow, my life will be officially on a different course. Here we go.... In the last 3 months I have 1.) Realized that I don't want to have a baby at any point in the near future. I love children and I love my neice and nephew more than most things on this planet. But I cannot grasp the idea of having a child right now. I still feel so much like a child myself. When I was trying to get pregnant, I wanted a baby. I think that there is a part of me that was stirring and thinking about awakening. But everytime I thought about that little life and its dependence on me... I felt like my life was over before it had even begun. I couldn't think about how much I wanted to teach her or all the things I would want to show him; all I thought about was all that I would not be able to do. I am too selfish to have child right now. I want to go to Europe. I want to go to graduate school. Some day, little rockets (maybe a rockette or two) will be wonderful, with their blond hair and sweet blue eyes. 2.) Seperated from the man who had been my best friend and my partner for 13 years. After nearly a lifetime of making Andy the most important thing in my life, I'm finally taking charge of what makes me happy. I can't bring myself to regret the years that I spent with Andy. I went into it willingly and with both eyes open. If anything, I regret that I did not make it clear to him what I wanted. Maybe if I had done so from the beginning ... at the very least, we may have prevented some of the pain that we caused each other. 3.) Moved so many of my possessions that I'm ready to throw it all away. I can't believe that I've got so much stuff. I remember when I could pack all of my belongings in four plastic tubs and the day that I left Platteville with everthing I owned in my Honda Prelude. 4.) Remembered how much I love animals. No more limits on pets, rather than my own limits of course. Today, the fish tank moved in. Soon there will also be fish. Beau and Sweetness seem to have settled into the apartment and are enjoying themselves. Other than Sweetness' overwhelming distaste for Katie, things are going well here. 5.) Fallen in love again. During the months that I was thinking about what I wanted to do, about ending my marriage and beginning my life again, one of the hardest things to deal with was the fear that no one would ever love me again. The fear that I could not love another person. I can't believe how I feel about him. When I imagined the man who would make me happy, who would be the man for me, I imagined a man like him. Smart, funny, sweet. He makes me laugh and he makes me smile. He is all that I ever wanted in a love. And he encourages me to be who I want to be. I always believed in fate. I always believed that what happened, happened for a reason. I believed that when I came to Adams, it was to do something or to learn something. I wondered for months what that was. I think I know now. He tells me that I am an angel, that God sent me to him to save him. I see it a little differently. I think that we were both lost, that we both needed to find our way in the wilderness. I think that we both ended up here together to help each other. To save each other. My life is headed in another direction from where I thought it was. But I am happier than I've ever been and I can't wait to begin the rest of my life.