I find myself angry with him for his morality. He is an exceptionally benevolent person. He cares greatly about the goodness of his actions and those of others. He lives his life according to a code of honor and kindness; he does not participate in behaviors that do not meet this code of ethics. This is a quality that I admire in him. Except when it comes to giving in to the temptation that I am willing to offer. Photo Credits.
Again, I am nearly overcome by a desire to run my fingers through his hair and to just touch him. I worry that sometimes he knows what I'm thinking and what I'm feeling. He withdraws sometimes. Like he knows how I feel and knows that it is inappropriate. I am not free to give myself to him. This is not a simple case of unrequited affection, though that may also be true. Even if I could know his feelings and his desires, and even if they matched my own, I would not be free to act upon them. I want to and I truly can't be sure how I would react to his touch. I try to imagine what I would do if he were near me and wanted to touch my skin with is own. I can imagine the feel of his soft breath against my neck and the heat of his body so close to mine... But I can't complete the image. I know what is expected of me. I know what is the correct thing to do. Unfortunately, I also know that what is expected and what is correct is not always what I do. I am suceptile to temptation. I fall victim to my own desires more than I should. I don't know that if he wanted me ... I don't know that I would say no.
During my drive this morning, I could not stop thinking about him. My heart was racing with anticipation of seeing him again. I thought about how much I enjoyed just being with him and couldn't focus on the road in front of me or the music on my stereo. I am amazed that I made it here without causing an accident; I've done so with less of a distraction.
Then when I arrived, he was there. I saw him getting out of his car and I was overwhelmed. My thoughts went through my mind at 90 miles an hour: I like what he's wearing today. I want to touch him. Could he have any idea how I feel? Am I sufficiently disguising my desires? A simple hello and a short discussion about the day and I was off to my own classroom.
The worst part is that I don't understand where the feelings are coming from and what they could possibly mean. I mean, he's cute; don't get me wrong. Any objective observer would admit that he is definately attractive, but not overwhelmingly so. There are certainly more attractive men around to attract me.
He's funny. He makes me smile whenever I'm with him, and whenever I think about him for that matter. I enjoy every moment that I spend with him and I can't wait to see him again when I'm not with him.
But it's more than that. There is certainly a physical element here. I want to touch him and be touched by him. In the car the other night, I rested my head on his shoulder not because I was tired or overwhelmed by sadness but because I could not stop myself from touching him. Even something as platonic as the touch of my forehead on his shoulder, through his three layers of clothing, was enough to satisfy my desire for the moment. When my foot brushed his hand while we were watching tv the other night, it was an accident but I was over aware of the physical contact between us. When it happened a second time, I was sure he initiated it on purpose.
Why should I feel this way, though? I am certainly not starved for affection, though my life is certainly different for the first time in 5 years. Is it the dream? Can dreams create reality or are they merely a reflection of that reality? Did I desire him, and that's why I dreamed about him? Or did I dream about him, and that's why I desire him? Are these my own feelings or are they manufactured by other forces?