All I want is to be with him. I want the "hurdles" or "strings" or "back story" to be over and for me to be free to be with him. He told me last night that he is not going to change his mind, that he has never thought that it is too hard and he doesn't want to be with me. I believe him, I do. I know that he loves me... But it is hard to give up the fear. The fear that my baggage is too much and it is not worth it. For the first time in nearly 13 years, I don't want to run away. I am happy with my life the way that it is. If it wasn't for this cloud hanging overhead... There is a part of me that is ready for it to all be over and is ready to give up anything for that to happen. Then there is the part of me that is angry. That part will not let the rest of me be happy. Maybe that is just another way that he is manipulating me. By allowing myself to continue to be angry with him about things that are over and done with, I'm allowing him to infringe on my happiness. That continues to give him control over me. If I truly want to let him go, and the years of doing as he wanted and feeling bad for not wanting that too, don't I have to just let it go?
It's been three weeks. A roller coaster of emotions and events have transpired. I think I'm in love with him. I can't wait until I can actually be with him. Things are moving so fast and so slow at the same time. I need to think about what has happened. I was going out of town. For months, my best friend and I planned a trip for Spring Break/Easter weekend. I had four days off of school and we planned to use every moment of that time to have fun and travel. As it got closer, I thought about what leaving him for that long would mean. I wanted more time with him, alone with him. And I wanted her to meet him. She knew. She knew that I was unhappy in my relationship. She knew that I was getting overwhelmed by my feelings for him and my dissatisfaction with the relationship I was in. I wanted her to know him and tell me what she thought. Was it me? Was I imagining the connection? Was I creating an attraction that was not there? So I asked him to take me. It was about a two hour drive from where we live to where we were flying out, where she lives. He was not doing anything for the weekend and agreed to drive me down to her house and to pick me up again on Monday. We left right after school and talked for the entire drive. We laughed and talked, explaining our feelings about so many different things. We also discussed our life together. This was something we were doing pretty often. He had made a comment about a particular city that he would like to live in. When I was angry with my relationship I latched onto the comment and said that even he would only want to live in this little town and make babies. It spawned from there. After that we would discuss our lives in this little city and I began to use it as my opportunity to escape. I dreamed of life with him as an escape from the life I was in that was making me so unhappy. Dinner with her and another friend. She thought it was obvious that he felt as I did. I was unsure. I knew that being with him made me excruiatingly happy and I knew that he enjoyed being with me as well. The idea that he could be attracted to me or want to be with me... that did not seem possible to me. He took us to the airport at 5:30 in the morning and dropped us off for our flight. She got out of the car and was grabbing the bags from the trunk. I looked at him. I put my hand on the back of his neck and wanted to kiss him. The desire to kiss him nearly consummed me. He smiled and whispered "Bye." And he left. I spent the entire weekend thinking about him and texting him. I send and received over 200 text messages that weekend. We were not out of contact for more than two hours unless we were asleep. I was driving her crazy. I felt so bad at the time but could not stop myself from talking to him. I couldn't stay away. When we landed on Monday I called him. He was nearly there to pick me up. When I finally got in his car, I thought I was going to explode with happiness. I had missed him so much. I knew then that any idea that I had had of ignoring this and trying to work on my marriage was impossible. I had to go with this. I could not be away from him. I told him I missed him. He said he missed me too. We spent the evening together at a baseball game. I had a wonderful time. The game was fun and very entertaining. We held hands and snuggled at the park. Then we left on a two hour dive back to our little town. In the car he cornered me. Asked me to tell him plainly what was happening and how I felt. I told him that I liked him and that I didn't know what it meant and that I didn't know what was going to happen next. He said little and listened a lot. We got home at about 1:30 am. He dropped me off and said he would pick me up for school the next day. We went to work the following day exhausted. I barely made it through the day on that little bit of sleep. And I could not stop thinking about our conversation. If I couldn't be with him, I would understand but I was worried that our friendship, which had come to mean so much to me, was lost. I was worried that he could not be my friend as I went through the end of my marriage now that he knew I wanted more from him. I was sure that it would fall apart before my eyes. After school I went to his room. I suggested that we leave early and go to his apartment and take a nap. That was the beginning of it all.