It's been three weeks. A roller coaster of emotions and events have transpired. I think I'm in love with him. I can't wait until I can actually be with him. Things are moving so fast and so slow at the same time. I need to think about what has happened. I was going out of town. For months, my best friend and I planned a trip for Spring Break/Easter weekend. I had four days off of school and we planned to use every moment of that time to have fun and travel. As it got closer, I thought about what leaving him for that long would mean. I wanted more time with him, alone with him. And I wanted her to meet him. She knew. She knew that I was unhappy in my relationship. She knew that I was getting overwhelmed by my feelings for him and my dissatisfaction with the relationship I was in. I wanted her to know him and tell me what she thought. Was it me? Was I imagining the connection? Was I creating an attraction that was not there? So I asked him to take me. It was about a two hour drive from where we live to where we were flying out, where she lives. He was not doing anything for the weekend and agreed to drive me down to her house and to pick me up again on Monday. We left right after school and talked for the entire drive. We laughed and talked, explaining our feelings about so many different things. We also discussed our life together. This was something we were doing pretty often. He had made a comment about a particular city that he would like to live in. When I was angry with my relationship I latched onto the comment and said that even he would only want to live in this little town and make babies. It spawned from there. After that we would discuss our lives in this little city and I began to use it as my opportunity to escape. I dreamed of life with him as an escape from the life I was in that was making me so unhappy. Dinner with her and another friend. She thought it was obvious that he felt as I did. I was unsure. I knew that being with him made me excruiatingly happy and I knew that he enjoyed being with me as well. The idea that he could be attracted to me or want to be with me... that did not seem possible to me. He took us to the airport at 5:30 in the morning and dropped us off for our flight. She got out of the car and was grabbing the bags from the trunk. I looked at him. I put my hand on the back of his neck and wanted to kiss him. The desire to kiss him nearly consummed me. He smiled and whispered "Bye." And he left. I spent the entire weekend thinking about him and texting him. I send and received over 200 text messages that weekend. We were not out of contact for more than two hours unless we were asleep. I was driving her crazy. I felt so bad at the time but could not stop myself from talking to him. I couldn't stay away. When we landed on Monday I called him. He was nearly there to pick me up. When I finally got in his car, I thought I was going to explode with happiness. I had missed him so much. I knew then that any idea that I had had of ignoring this and trying to work on my marriage was impossible. I had to go with this. I could not be away from him. I told him I missed him. He said he missed me too. We spent the evening together at a baseball game. I had a wonderful time. The game was fun and very entertaining. We held hands and snuggled at the park. Then we left on a two hour dive back to our little town. In the car he cornered me. Asked me to tell him plainly what was happening and how I felt. I told him that I liked him and that I didn't know what it meant and that I didn't know what was going to happen next. He said little and listened a lot. We got home at about 1:30 am. He dropped me off and said he would pick me up for school the next day. We went to work the following day exhausted. I barely made it through the day on that little bit of sleep. And I could not stop thinking about our conversation. If I couldn't be with him, I would understand but I was worried that our friendship, which had come to mean so much to me, was lost. I was worried that he could not be my friend as I went through the end of my marriage now that he knew I wanted more from him. I was sure that it would fall apart before my eyes. After school I went to his room. I suggested that we leave early and go to his apartment and take a nap. That was the beginning of it all.

Okay, it's six o'clock in the morning. I've been up since 4ish. For the last week I've slept no more than five hours a night. I'm exhausted, stressed and sick to my stomach from guilt and lack of eating.

But I'm happier than I've been in days, weeks, months or years.

He kissed me yesterday.

Photo Credits

I find myself angry with him for his morality. He is an exceptionally benevolent person. He cares greatly about the goodness of his actions and those of others. He lives his life according to a code of honor and kindness; he does not participate in behaviors that do not meet this code of ethics. This is a quality that I admire in him. Except when it comes to giving in to the temptation that I am willing to offer. Photo Credits.

Again, I am nearly overcome by a desire to run my fingers through his hair and to just touch him. I worry that sometimes he knows what I'm thinking and what I'm feeling. He withdraws sometimes. Like he knows how I feel and knows that it is inappropriate. I am not free to give myself to him. This is not a simple case of unrequited affection, though that may also be true. Even if I could know his feelings and his desires, and even if they matched my own, I would not be free to act upon them. I want to and I truly can't be sure how I would react to his touch. I try to imagine what I would do if he were near me and wanted to touch my skin with is own. I can imagine the feel of his soft breath against my neck and the heat of his body so close to mine... But I can't complete the image. I know what is expected of me. I know what is the correct thing to do. Unfortunately, I also know that what is expected and what is correct is not always what I do. I am suceptile to temptation. I fall victim to my own desires more than I should. I don't know that if he wanted me ... I don't know that I would say no.

During my drive this morning, I could not stop thinking about him. My heart was racing with anticipation of seeing him again. I thought about how much I enjoyed just being with him and couldn't focus on the road in front of me or the music on my stereo. I am amazed that I made it here without causing an accident; I've done so with less of a distraction.

Then when I arrived, he was there. I saw him getting out of his car and I was overwhelmed. My thoughts went through my mind at 90 miles an hour: I like what he's wearing today. I want to touch him. Could he have any idea how I feel? Am I sufficiently disguising my desires? A simple hello and a short discussion about the day and I was off to my own classroom.

The worst part is that I don't understand where the feelings are coming from and what they could possibly mean. I mean, he's cute; don't get me wrong. Any objective observer would admit that he is definately attractive, but not overwhelmingly so. There are certainly more attractive men around to attract me.

He's funny. He makes me smile whenever I'm with him, and whenever I think about him for that matter. I enjoy every moment that I spend with him and I can't wait to see him again when I'm not with him.

But it's more than that. There is certainly a physical element here. I want to touch him and be touched by him. In the car the other night, I rested my head on his shoulder not because I was tired or overwhelmed by sadness but because I could not stop myself from touching him. Even something as platonic as the touch of my forehead on his shoulder, through his three layers of clothing, was enough to satisfy my desire for the moment. When my foot brushed his hand while we were watching tv the other night, it was an accident but I was over aware of the physical contact between us. When it happened a second time, I was sure he initiated it on purpose.

Why should I feel this way, though? I am certainly not starved for affection, though my life is certainly different for the first time in 5 years. Is it the dream? Can dreams create reality or are they merely a reflection of that reality? Did I desire him, and that's why I dreamed about him? Or did I dream about him, and that's why I desire him? Are these my own feelings or are they manufactured by other forces?

Photo Credits.